tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-54767297530239138342024-03-08T06:30:32.515-05:00dear amy(even if it was just all in my mind, it was still beautiful)candoorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16247345559618328103noreply@blogger.comBlogger18125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5476729753023913834.post-15612356763296932692018-12-16T23:46:00.000-05:002020-02-29T17:00:01.201-05:00Happy Birthday<center>I don't always remember<br />
to stop and write it down<br />
but I remember always<br />
the smile and the frown<br />
the greatest gift of loving<br />
unconditional and true<br />
and the greatest pain of losing<br />
what once was me and you<br />
<br />
From faded memories<br />
like a haunting song<br />
from <i>Phantom of the Opera</i><br />
it reminds me of you<br />
<br />
Before responsibilities<br />
decided right and wrong<br />
from <i>Seasons of the Heart</i><br />
still the best we can do<br />
<br />
Is give it all away<br />
when the muse calls<br />
forever and a day<br />
the heart falls <br />
<br />
and there is no end<br />
though life moves along<br />
I am still here, my friend<br />
singing this song<br />
<br />
it just goes on and on and on and on and on... <br />
<br />
Someday I might even write the perfect chorus<br />
for us<br />
(maybe in another life)<br />
With words that make it all make sense in time<br />
in rhyme<br />
(maybe I will be a wife)<br />
How uninhibited love would not ignore us<br />
adore us<br />
(in a world rushing past love)<br />
Even if we forgot how to rhyme<br />
in time<br />
(to whatever's above)<br />
<br />
we all say we want a heart that's true<br />
we all say that is too hard to do<br />
I don't know about anyone else, but I still believe in you<br />
In my fantasies, in my my memories, true love still shines through<br />
<br />
so I just want to say<br />
in my own personal way<br />
let the old music play<br />
so I sing on this day<br />
<br />
I believe you always knew<br />
true love is still true<br />
Happy Birthday... Dear Amy<br />
Happy Birthday to you<br />
</center><p align=justify></p>candoorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16247345559618328103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5476729753023913834.post-83489315071780657612018-09-20T04:17:00.000-04:002018-09-20T04:21:23.112-04:00A Matter of Trust<p align=justify>When I used to write to you, I did so with more unconditional trust than in any other state I knew. I found myself there because I knew I trusted myself and the love I felt for you more than anything I had ever known (and perhaps more than anything I will ever know). It was the purest most innocent most completely open honest desire I can imagine. It still exists, perhaps even lives, somewhere deep inside of me. Not a "return to some previous moment" or fantasy of what might have been, but a trust so completely certain, there is no greater comfort. It is something within me, something I experienced, and if that matters to you or anyone outside of me, great. It doesn't have to, because it is y feeling and independent of anything else. <br />
<br />
Stepping outside of that complete peace, freedom, security, and certainty, the world is as it is, quite imperfect and rather cruel. For me, personally, the whole mess of lies and deception that we did not want to face is still one of the deepest sadnesses in this life experience for me and I do wonder what might have been, but more in a chuckling speculation than longing, if you know what I mean. I'd like you to understand and even share an understanding someday. <br />
<br />
That is one reason this blog exists. <br />
<br />
I wonder if those hundreds of pages of words I wrote to you still exist. I would love to read them today, to see myself at the peak of obsession with you, to remember just how devoted I can be. I wonder if I would laugh or cry or seek professional help lol. <br />
<br />
When I look back, I wonder why we couldn't just accept our feelings and move on together, instead of putting the feelings of another ahead of ours. Was it not love for you, was it just a game or fantasy? Was it all my influence and you just along for the ride? Those are questions that only you can answer, but somewhere along the way the caring stopped at your end. I mean the active shared caring. Perhaps you cared inside and just buried it. Sad if you did, hope it didn't hurt to much. Hope it doesn't hurt now. <br />
<br />
All this may be meaningless if the caring was never real and that could be too. <br />
<br />
Still, I know I trusted so unconditionally that I violated my bottom line, honesty, just because you wanted me to. I trusted you to decide what we should do and what we should share. You were my god at the time, as close as I ever came to following someone on completely blind faith. You became the fantasy icon of what falling in love could mean and I wrote so many words, so many songs about falling in love with you as the imaginary inspiration, the star I was wishing upon. <br />
<br />
You didn't deserve such a pedestal? :)<br />
<br />
Well I thought you did :)<br />
<br />
Somebody had to keep the dream of love alive in me. After all, I was not going to give in (never give up, never surrender) to the "grown-up" demand for compromise and conditions on my love. The child inside remained free of the inhibitions and rules this culture places on love. Unfortunately, bringing that out of my mind and into practical reality could get me arrested lol, soI keep it in fantasy, in words, and in my heart and mind. <br />
<br />
I still search for <i>the one</i> who can inspire me to such a profoundly intense unconditional trust. I still live to love and be loved, in spite of the pain of loss and betrayal and abuse I've experienced at the hands of others. I still must try giving it all in a relationship, for when I stop trying, I see no point in continuing to stay alive. Staying alive can be a struggle sometimes, after all. Especially as the years pass. <br />
<br />
All the dreams of true love and family have had their fleeting moments, a few years here and there, but nothing's lasted. A couple of people call me dad or look to me for support, but from an emotional distance. I still pay the phone bill for one of the kids I adopted, just to keep in touch. I am, on some levels and from some perspectives, a lonely old man. I'd be sad about it if I wasn't enjoying the life I live so much. :)<br />
<br />
I've never been what this world might call normal, I suppose. <br />
<br />
Anyway, there will always be a place in my heart for falling in love and for family - and for you. <br />
<br />
I wonder how you've grown and what matters to you today.<br />
<br />
I welcome you to share anytime. <br />
</p>candoorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16247345559618328103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5476729753023913834.post-53206802548224440992018-04-25T06:47:00.003-04:002018-04-25T06:47:59.684-04:00First Dream<center>I dreamed of loving you<br />
before I knew you<br />
before we met I dreamed of living happily ever after<br />
with you<br />
</center><p align=justify>Just waking in a dream of love for the first time in a very long time, years perhaps, maybe decades. Dreams are so seldom remembered for many years I thought I simply did not dream. I'd always wake up so happy to be alive and aware and rested, even when I was not rested. Waking up to consciousness was always the most exciting moment of the day, moments between sleep and awake when perfection seemed real and the beautiful peaceful euphoric world we could only <i>imagine</i> was as visceral as the stretching of the body. Before the reality of the current state of humanity lost in fears and doubts could touch me. <br />
<br />
For the first time in many many years, I dreamed of you. We talked. We kissed. We were more tentative than the first time we embraced. Yet you did not pull away. It was almost all curiosity with a passion that waited for more conversation and more time together. Who were we now. Were were those eyes we would both be so lost in, so trusting, so in love. So many years have passed. Could we, <i>would we</i> give the time it would take to catch up? Not to go back as if we could return to those amazingly uninhibited moments of passion, lust, and wonder of first love, but to learned all about each other all over again. Two lifetimes, almost three more than we knew when we were first together all those years ago. <br />
<br />
I wondered who you were the year after we parted, what did you learn, what path did you follow. Did you explore love with another among our small group or did you reach out beyond. Your beauty and sensuality surely attracted many others,but who was the lucky one - or the lucky ones - to know you as intimately as I did. Who knew the secrets of your heart. Who knew them over the years. Who knows them now. <br />
<br />
One of the last bits of conversation I remember was suggesting we go away for a weekend and lay in bed, mostly, like John and Yoko, focused on nothing but each other. Giving an hour or few, however long it took, to sharing each year that has passed since we last talked. Perhaps a kiss for each year since we last kissed. Perhaps an embraced for each years since we last embraced. Just you and me and the memories and the sharing. Sharing caring. <br />
<br />
I was still dreaming of you when I woke enough to hear the song outside my window. I slept with the window next to my bed open for the first time in more than a year, ore than a few years, perhaps longer. Could that have influenced my dreaming? Did you come in through the bedroom window? I found no silver spoon when I woke lol. Oh, but all kidding aside, it was a wonderful few moments of magical feeling in that space between sleep and waking, to still remember dreaming. <br />
<br />
Here it is now, the memory of the dream - and you. May this inspire even a fraction of the smile I was felling as I woke. Yes, as I said, mostly curiosity and ever so tentative exploration of each other, the you and me we are now after all these years. Did you really want to or was it just a moment's curiosity. Did I... yes, I did. Remembering and writing this has restored my faith in the eternity of love once again (it needs some restoring now and then in this temporary existence among superficial minds and insecure bodies (and/or vice versa, if you know, if you still know what I mean). <br />
<br />
I welcome you into my mind and world with open arms as I always have. You still live in my heart. The biggest room by far. The most powerful passion I've ever known. Whether we ever touch upon that again, it remains alive and well. Whether we ever take the few tentative steps, outside of this dream, to satisfy our curiosity about who we are now and where we've been in our lives, these words are smiling at the possibility. I still do want to know. Feel free to add to these words... or reach out in any way... as you wish. <br />
<br />
As I close this writing, I am remembering all the letters we wrote and sent to each other. <br />
<br />
Did you save any? <br />
<br />
honest love,<br />
memory<br />
</p>candoorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16247345559618328103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5476729753023913834.post-29285345647178113712017-11-15T18:56:00.002-05:002017-11-15T18:56:57.465-05:00Still... I Am Alone<center>my heart is broken <br />
in so many places<br />
in so many pieces<br />
by so many people<br />
I chose to trust<br />
I don't mean lust<br />
just simple trust<br />
trust is a must<br />
<br />
I don't know how much more I've got left<br />
I keep hoping<br />
I keep trusting<br />
I keep loving.<br />
<br />
Still... I am alone.<br />
<br />
I don't think I understand people anymore<br />
Maybe I was wrong and never really did<br />
I thought there was a time I could understand<br />
Maybe I was just a foolish kid, I'm still a kid<br />
The grown ups play games I don't want to be part of<br />
They seem so careless with everything they touch<br />
They don't seem to respect honesty or trust or love<br />
I want more than anything, so do I want too much?<br />
<br />
my spirit still flies<br />
but slowly, weakly<br />
aimlessly waiting<br />
hopelessly wanting<br />
still hopelessly hopeful<br />
someone feels the way I do<br />
in all innocence<br />
a heart still true<br />
<br />
how are you?<br />
<br />
I don't know how much longer I've got<br />
I keep hoping<br />
I keep trusting<br />
I keep giving<br />
I keep loving<br />
<br />
Still... I am alone.<br />
still... I am alone.<br />
<br />
I keep hoping<br />
I keep trusting<br />
I keep giving<br />
I keep loving<br />
<br />
Still... I am alone.<br />
still... I am alone.<br />
</center><p align=justify>Once upon a time I thought you understood, but maybe it was just a dream we shared that we were not ready to bring into reality. I wonder how happy I'd have been if I settled into your kind of life... stable... family... the whole career and home ownership routine. That never interested me alone. I tried it - bought the house - built a career - fell in love... but none of it lasted. I built the career but did not fall in love with the best friend I lived with for 8 years... no matter how hard she tried (and she tried so hard), the spark was never there and the fire never started. I may have still be pining for you at the time. I moved to the warm climate I longed for and bought a house and tried again, but that didn't work out either. I gave up the house and put everything I owned, some treasures and lots of other stuff, in storage and moved to another country just to fall in love again, but that was a failure. Penniless and on the street, I started over. I have not fallen in love since. I have not had a lover since. I have not had a real home since. It was twenty years ago this year. <br />
<br />
I lived with my best friend for most of this decade. It was a happy time, though no romance left me lonely. She finally fell in love and left and now I am alone again. Not so naturally. Living in a room in some guy's house, sharing a bathroom, saving money, working and playing softball and eating out too much and wondering what comes next. <br />
<br />
I think I creating this writing space to write letters to you because you were the person I trusted my heart with more than anyone in this life. Or maybe because you hurt me best, that is, with the most innocence and least intent. I now the break from you never fully healed... I didn't want it to because I did not want to become like everybody else. I actualize eternal love, forever love, unconditional love and realize it is one stream the innocents know. Like fish swim in a river, unconditional love is an energy stream that children float, swim, splash, and play in until they get out of the water and give up on the dreams the stream offers. <br />
<br />
I feel very alone in the stream now. Ageism keeps me isolated. All the grown ups are on the shore, most far from the shore, and innocent children are not experienced or free enough to understand my experiences in this life. I do not wish to be a pied piper or guru or leader of any sort. I do not wish to be a solitary story teller or teacher or parent anymore. I do not want to be alone. <br />
<br />
Leaving the water would be like dying. <br />
<br />
Staying in the water is hoping another with similar experiences will come along and either get back in the water or will have been living here all along, somewhere in the stream. I am here. <br />
<br />
So where has your heart been... and how are you now? :)<br />
<br />
</p>candoorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16247345559618328103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5476729753023913834.post-55911608541169286332017-08-10T22:50:00.001-04:002017-08-10T22:50:33.179-04:00The Way It Is (and so it goes)<p align=justify>I simply want to love someone even more than the way I loved you. I keep distraction all around me to try not to feel how much it hurts to have blown the attraction by letting fear make decisions instead of love. I wonder if you loved your best friend more than you loved me or whether you just gave into peer pressure and it destroyed your trust the way it destroyed mine. I wanted forever with you and would have done anything to get it, yet... would I have been happy living the life you've lived? We may never know. <br />
<br />
I just want to love someone unconditionally and trust someone unconditionally again... Someone I would follow anywhere... I will do anything for that love and trust, as I did with you.<br />
<br />
Would I live a lie again or would I remember how living a lie turned out? <br />
<br />
Will anyone love and trust me as unconditionally as I can?<br />
<br />
The test of trust is amazing. <br />
<br />
Narf. <br />
</p>candoorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16247345559618328103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5476729753023913834.post-17970518106257528972015-02-17T00:26:00.002-05:002015-02-17T00:26:58.158-05:00the way i choose to be<p align=justify>you have become imaginary, but that never stopped me before, after all... life is <a href=http://rhe-to-ric.blogspot.com/2015/02/prelude-to-dream.html target="_blank">but a dream</a> in so many ways so i keep in touch as well as i can whether i am asleep or awake, whether it is <a href=http://e-the-real.blogspot.com target="_blank">real</a> or <a href=http://lifecalledmine.blogspot.com target="_blank">imaginary</a> (or interchangeable)... it is just the way i choose to see they world... it is just the way i choose the experience this life... it is just the way that's right for me, the way i choose to be... and you don't have to <a href=http://rhetroric.blogspot.com/2011/06/blogs-and-other-strangers.html target="_blank">explore</a> anymore... and you don't have to want to keep in touch enough to keep in touch... and you don't have to care about me anymore, even if you do or think you think you do too much... you don't have to show it for me to know it (or pretend to be a classic epic corresponding poet)... you don't have to do anything to live in my mind... that's just the way i choose to be, call it cruel or kind... it's just the way i choose to not leave love behind... it's just the way i choose, win or lose, i am resigned... to live and be just the way i choose to be in my mind... <br />
</p>candoorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16247345559618328103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5476729753023913834.post-82037065774918105082014-12-16T02:48:00.000-05:002015-02-07T04:06:11.308-05:00so where have i been?<p align=justify>i never skipped a year, mostly, even if it seems like i did, i wished you well every year on your birthday (happy birthday to you) and a few other days each year when your memory inspired a smile... the memory of being in love always inspires a smile <font face="wingdings">J</font> and i like to smile so i try to remember being in love regularly (i live in love, so i smile a lot, though i've only shared being in love with someone a couple of times in this life and alas, it did not last for the forever i had hoped it would, but the memories of being in love still inspire a smile)... <br />
<br />
this could be a long list of place i've lived, things i've done, people i've been with, and so on and so forth (what?) but lists can be so boring and are you really interested in the details?... if you are (and you find this blog and read these words) you will let me know what you want to know and i will share whatever you want to know, lists and all... but a simple answer to where i've been can be found <a href=http://rhetroric.blogspot.com/2011/06/blogs-and-other-strangers.html target="_blank">here</a> as much of me has been writing for the past four decades... i started as a little kid but really got serious when went in the army and wanted to keep in touch (and yes there were way more than 16 books and blogs of letters to you, though most were written before 1980)... i wonder if you still have any of those letters i sent to you (anything worth reading?)... ego always wondered if you'd have them when i became a famous song writer... but ego dreams big, as you may recall :)<br />
<br />
off the written page, or off the web, i've spent about half this life working ridiculously long hours helping others and the other half in early retirement and i enjoyed almost every minute of both (but definitely got more rest and did many more diverse things during the retirement time)... i enjoyed drugs and travelling after the army and worked long hours at bdc (now bdso, i believe) through the 80s... i lived on ave j and e42nd st with my best friend of the time... she fell in love with me and the feeling wasn't mutual, which made moving to florida in 1990 right in many ways (my love of hot climates and letting her move on, though that took a few years because we had bought a house together in florida)... i didn't work through the 90s, moved to toronto for love in 95 and back to florida in 97 when it didn't work out... back to work in 2001... these days i run a health care facility in orlando florida and through about 90 other people and we take care of profoundly disabled people who can't take care of themselves... i live with a wonderful person who calls me her bff (she's a child of the 90s), though i've chosen to stay away from falling in love for more than two decades mostly because the right person has not come along... i have a couple of people who look to me as a father, one calls me dad, but i've created no children... <br />
<br />
there are a whole lot more details, lots of years to catch up on if we are ever to catch up... i'd love to hear where you've been and how you are today... and so i write... i hope you are well, and happy, and know peace... and if you find these words, may they inspire a smile :)<br />
</p>candoorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16247345559618328103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5476729753023913834.post-88179571284573444272014-12-16T00:07:00.000-05:002014-12-28T00:15:39.978-05:00friend<center>this is how it used to be<br />
when you were in love with me<br />
the words fell into rhyme<br />
the music fell in time<br />
and life was a euphoric ecstasy<br />
<br />
now i know what i must do<br />
cuz i know i still love you<br />
even after all this time<br />
you still bring the sublime<br />
it might not make sense but it's true<br />
i learn to be in love with you<br />
<br />
some may think this is sad<br />
some may say i've lost my mind<br />
is it crazy to be happy<br />
i did not leave you behind<br />
<br />
when i promised i will love you<br />
i meant till the end of all time<br />
maybe most people just say it<br />
i think that is the sad crime<br />
<br />
but you don't have to agree with me<br />
you can be anyone you want to be<br />
and if you didn't mean it that's ok<br />
i still love you anyway<br />
<br />
this is how it's meant to be<br />
love is for eternity<br />
love can never end<br />
love cannot pretend<br />
love is a euphoric ecstasy<br />
<br />
this is the best i can do<br />
i always believed you knew<br />
this is what the heart dreams of<br />
time does not change true love<br />
it doesn't have to make sense to be true<br />
i can and will always love you<br />
<br />
i don't mean to scare you<br />
or interfere in your life<br />
it's ok if you don't want me<br />
and you're someone else's wife<br />
<br />
we don't have to be together<br />
we may never meet again<br />
but as sure as there is love<br />
i will always be your friend<br />
<br />
this is how it's meant to be<br />
love is not a fantasy<br />
love can never end<br />
and i am still your friend<br />
for all eternity<br />
<br />
this is how it's meant to be<br />
love is my reality<br />
love cannot pretend<br />
love can never end<br />
time does not change what is true<br />
i will always be here for you<br />
if you ever need anything<br />
i will always be here for you<br />
<br />
happy birthday<br />
amy lou<br />
I will always be here for you<br />
</center>candoorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16247345559618328103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5476729753023913834.post-22267587547904720892013-12-16T02:30:00.000-05:002013-12-16T02:30:00.648-05:00so i remember<p align=justify>so i <a href=http://caringisaverb.blogspot.com/2013/12/we-are-alright.html target="_blank">remember</a>, what does that mean?... whatever you want, whatever we've seen, whatever we are, whatever we've been... remember the love, that is what we mean... and so there i was watching some episodes of <i>ncis</i> because the characters are an imaginary family for me (ironic, since the macho military mindset is so alien and insane to me, but that's another story... and {thank you harry} another time) and i start nodding off and turn off the lights and head to be (but not before pulling off a piece of chocolate chip brownie that jackson made today) and as i turn out the light i feel a rhyme (linked above) and turned the computer back on and wrote and after uploading it i realized the date... irony, coincidence, fate, memory, whatever... just felt like sending this message to a dear old friend of mine (yeah you)...
happy birthday amy :)
may your light still shine :)
</p>candoorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16247345559618328103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5476729753023913834.post-7678429846304725492013-12-01T03:16:00.000-05:002013-12-16T03:27:51.149-05:00a life in words<p align=justify><center>you are missing<br />
the life i live in words<br />
you are missing<br />
and it's quite absurd<br />
that you are missing<br />
the sharing that can be<br />
why are you missing<br />
the caring you and me?<br />
<br />
you are missing<br />
the sensitivity<br />
you are missing<br />
the simple honesty<br />
you are missing<br />
the person you could be<br />
why are you missing<br />
the love... <br />
<br />
it is an unfinished song<br />
with some discord in the middle<br />
that breaks up the nice meter<br />
and disregards the rhyme<br />
<br />
but there may be some hope<br />
for a reason that will make it<br />
worth the effort and the empty<br />
waste of all the waiting time<br />
<br />
waiting for the magic moment<br />
waiting for the sublime<br />
waiting for the answer<br />
was it really such a crime?<br />
<br />
you are missing <br />
the love of a friend<br />
who will not give it up<br />
who will not let it end<br />
<br />
you are missing<br />
and nothing will replace<br />
the smile of love and trust<br />
that i see on your face<br />
when i close my eyes<br />
and remember<br />
the 16th of december<br />
<br />
there is still a bridge<br />
we can walk across<br />
to remember the magic<br />
we thought was lost<br />
it is innocent trust<br />
unconditional love<br />
the simple fairy tale<br />
every heart dreams of<br />
<br />
i create<br />
a life in words<br />
to remember<br />
and to be<br />
<br />
<br />
while you are missing<br />
the feeling of sublime<br />
of old friends, bookends,<br />
committing the crime<br />
of sharing moments of stillness<br />
no productivity<br />
and the only reason is the <br />
the only reason there can be<br />
<br />
the life we live in words<br />
creating simple innocent honesty<br />
</center></p>candoorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16247345559618328103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5476729753023913834.post-56290293317972891592013-09-24T15:23:00.000-04:002013-09-24T15:23:00.545-04:00what now?<p align=justify>
</p>candoorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16247345559618328103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5476729753023913834.post-87962103826258347002012-12-16T16:20:00.000-05:002012-12-17T03:10:42.137-05:00happy birthday amy :)<p align=justify>i hope to see your smile more time before our bodies leave this life because it was your smile that inspired me to believe in love and humanity and this world more than anything else back in our childhood years... i was never able to thank you so i hope i get that chance one day... still celebrating life and thankful you were born...
<a href=http://e-the-real.blogspot.com/2012/12/still-celebrating-amy.html target="_blank">happy</a> <a href=http://e-the-real.blogspot.com/2012/12/old-friend-happy-birthday.html target="_blank">birthday</a> amy :)
</p>candoorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16247345559618328103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5476729753023913834.post-81770609062313687012012-12-14T06:02:00.001-05:002012-12-14T06:02:45.374-05:00disappointed<p align=justify>that we did not keep in touch... but there is always hope and i've come to share some hope because some words flowed tonight i feel are worth sharing, the i'd like the whole world to read in a long time by my standards, and for the moment they are pouring into the <a href=http://e-the-real.blogspot.com target="_blank">(e)thereal</a> blog... perhaps i will organize them for elsewhere another time... they are being uploaded this morning and may continue all weekend, perhaps as some sort of birthday present in some odd way... some will be uploaded automatically over the next eight hours or so... some may be uploade at a later date... so if you read this before the end of the year, go back and read again, cuz you should... they are not the greatest words and not a lot, but maybe just a few thoughts that could save the world from human self-destruction if enough people cared to take them to heart... or maybe that's all in my head, too much ego and not enough common sense... still, remembering me is a good thing, even if nobody notices...
it's been a good december so far, perhaps far better than decembers have been in many years... i am almost excited to see what comes of the rest...
wish you were too...
hug...
</p>candoorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16247345559618328103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5476729753023913834.post-23211173876282839822012-07-16T17:18:00.000-04:002012-07-16T17:18:41.783-04:00and when no message came<p align=justify><p align=right>i knew it must have been from you</p><br />
yeah, we can keep our sense of humor and maintain our sense of perspective and still dream of the love that never ends with <i>the one</i> (the right one) who would die for us but more important will live for us and nothing can drive them from their commitment to us and the all important ultimate perfection that there is no compromise, there is only unconditional love and unconditional trust and the human magic that actualizing such unconditionalness brings (that magic moment that lasts until the end of time, beyond even)... <br />
<br />
and while the average (normal) human may not use their mind as i do to create written gardens (volumes of writings for this and that purpose with this and that inspiration, but then, i suppose that is what writers do so <i>some</i> humans do this) based on the experiences of a lifetime, this is my way and you are one of the first inspirations for the writings, one of the roots of the written gardens... left with the disconnection and the unknowns, this garden is left to fantasies... it could be (reality is that fantasy is infinite possibilities, after all) and one possibility is that you found your soulmate magical love partner and might appreciate the reality of the fantasy i still hope to find in this life... <br />
<br />
hopefully it does not bring you and discomfort to know you inspire expressions of those fantasies (such as the previous entry) and therein appreciate the expression (whoever good or bad it might be, creatively) of that love and devotion and magicalness... <br />
<br />
so it's been a while since i actually wrote to you (the while being the time prior to the first entry in this new place for letters to you) and it may be the fifth or sixth series... the previous volume was on line, but that website was deleted before i could save it and i hope to still have a copy buried in some boxes or on an old laptop that might still be accessed somehow... the two volumes before that would be on two different computers stored for the last seventeen years in new york (at $140 a month that's almost thirty thousand dollars to keep stuff i haven't even seen or touched in over twelve years, which seems ridiculous and probably is, but then, it's just the way i am... and the volumes before those would be on paper in that same storage place... the first volume would be wherever you put them cuz they were letters to you that actually were sent to you... i wonder if you remember... ego wonders if you thought anything i wrote back then was any good... <br />
<br />
obviously not good enough to sweep you off your feet, aye? lol lam :)<br />
<br />
ah, but i've always hoped that the hours i spent with hand cramped scratching out all the love (and probably many complaints) i wanted to share with you (did i never actually tell you?... would it have made a difference if i did?... i was so trying to make everyone happy... alas, should have remembered the garden party song, but then, again, the would it have made any difference question returns, moot as it may be) actually meant something (worth publishing?... i've always wondered) more than just venting and dreaming and getting me through the loneliness and challenges of the army life... <br />
<br />
so anyway, this is what brings me here today... i found this blog i started and found the rhymes and reasons wanting some explanation... maybe someday we will catch up, if you like... i'd like that... hope all is well in your life today, and in you :)<br />
</p>candoorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16247345559618328103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5476729753023913834.post-3617531180927622692012-06-15T01:02:00.000-04:002012-06-15T01:02:27.202-04:00once upon a time<p align=justify><center><br />
it felt like a fairy tale<br />
a romance that could never fail<br />
you treated me like a hero<br />
you were my princess<br />
your wish my command<br />
<br />
until that day you simply said stop<br />
my whole world felt like a belly flop<br />
how could love just come to an end<br />
so suddenly we were to be just friends<br />
can anyone really return<br />
from wonderland?<br />
<br />
now i realize what i miss the most<br />
was the unconditional trust i felt<br />
believing you loved me with all your heart<br />
and i could tell you every little secret in mine<br />
what i miss most is not the romance that came to an end<br />
what i miss the most... is my best friend<br />
<br />
and maybe i was just fooling myself<br />
and maybe it was the same for you<br />
maybe we never came down from the story book shelf<br />
maybe we were a dream that was not meant to come true<br />
<br />
yeah maybe i was just fooling myself<br />
and maybe your heart was just fooling me too<br />
maybe once upon a time became more in memories<br />
than it was back in two thousand and two<br />
<br />
so now i can take liberties with the story<br />
i can embellish memories for the sake of song<br />
we can aint the target around where the arrow lands<br />
and nobody's at fault, and nobody is wrong<br />
<br />
that is the way it is in fairy tales<br />
an honest love that never fails<br />
so i can still be your hero<br />
you are still my princess<br />
your wish is still my command<br />
<br />
and we can believe in love that never ends<br />
and we can believe we will always be friends<br />
and so the story goes, for anyone who knows<br />
the answer the wind blows, the truth always shows<br />
no one can really return<br />
from wonderland<br />
<br />
and once upon a time<br />
is always right at hand<br />
<br />
</center> </p>candoorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16247345559618328103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5476729753023913834.post-19617487217024621612012-06-12T01:36:00.000-04:002012-06-12T01:36:40.777-04:00distracted<p align=justify>which may be the perfect perspective (or place to come from) for a second writing as the books were always so often usually three or five sections and section two was, for posterity and anyone who remembers or wants to know, wide-open anything-goes babbling... and with craig ferguson on the tube adding giggles to the distractions, not to mention the fact that i should have gone to bed four or five hours ago and i am bleary-eyed blurry-headed (with a storm of loneliness brewing), this certainly will be nothing like what a sensible proper letter or writing of any kind ought to me, probably... <br />
<br />
so it's not that i miss you so much cuz, after all, i don't know you and might not even like whoever you are now that you are all grown up and a free and independent person... it's that i am lonely and miss believing in someone else the way i once believed in you and i miss feeling like someone else believed in me as much as i believed you believed in me, or something like that... wide-eyed i sit wondering why no one ever moved me again to the hunger and wanting and passion and uninhibited love and lust that you inspired, even the few who actually loved me and trusted me and believed in me and were more devoted to me than you were (and she i do miss, alas) never had me falling nearly as much as i fell for you... i still don't completely understand love, but i do <a href=http://candora.blogspot.com/2012/06/cupid-shrugs.html target="_blank">miss it a lot</a> :)<br />
<br />
and suddenly i remember how many words i wrote inspired by you, how many letters i sent to you, how many rhymes and long rambles i wrote... i wish i could read those to see who i was and what i was thinking and learn more about myself... i wonder if those writings pushed you away cuz i always wanted to stay your friend... but then, i can imagine asking <i>how can you really fall in love with anyone else</i> might not go over well after you did... i understand now, but then, i could not understand how anything could suddenly stop what i believed to be the perfect love - and that's probably the answer, i believed... just cuz i believed doesn't mean you did and just cuz i wanted doesn't mean you wanted... so i misread you... maybe you weren't making your own decisions and were just following my lead, but you did it so very well :)<br />
<br />
i smile as i remember now, even as i wonder... even as craig ferguson and his robot sidekick discuss subjects that would never have made it to television at any hour when we were young... i miss the runner i was back then (especially at the moment as i am into the seventh or eighth week of the first really immobilizing injury i have ever incurred or experienced... i've had a foot in a boot since about april 22 cuz after playing softball 4-6 times a week for six or so years, i finally took a misstep and tore up the foot, rupturing the plantar fascia, shredding some upper foot ligaments, and cracking the bottom of the tibia... might have done a bit more damage, but the medical care down here sucks {first they misread the xrays and said no fracture and then they noticed what i saw and then, well, i've worked hospitals most of this life and know the human side of the professionals all too well, so i am not surprised} so i am healing myself) when i ran to your house as fast as i could almost every night (it was almost an exact mile which was fun to time)... <br />
<br />
so tonight as i sit here so over-tired from lack of sleep due to working a job that is never done and having a bunch of other things to do and then as the hours pass midnight, a recent wave of loneliness rolls over me (and my reaction to loneliness was always to write and write and whatever happened to all those letters, ego asks... but not just ego, really) and so, here we are... <br />
<br />
i hope all is well :)<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
</p>candoorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16247345559618328103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5476729753023913834.post-87758605616081104772012-05-19T01:59:00.002-04:002015-02-07T02:46:52.380-05:00this afternoon<p align=justify>i was in the mood to write to you because i still really want to keep my promise to keep in touch with you, to always be there for you if you ever need anything, to always be your friend, so i created this blog and then distraction came along and i found the thread that lead me here was no longer connected and so, a half a day passed before i found myself deciding if i should close this browser tab and when i thought about it, i decided not to close the tab too keep the promise and so here i am, starting this first blog entry and now i wonder is this as intended, a letter to you, or is this just an explanation that i am waiting for the thread that lead me to want to write to you to reconnect again... once there way a way, after all... <br />
<br />
yeah, time will tell... <br />
<br />
</p>candoorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16247345559618328103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5476729753023913834.post-75193804068500878222004-12-01T04:34:00.000-05:002018-09-20T04:37:00.905-04:00Amy<p align=justify><center>you were everything I had ever dreamed of <br />
and no dream since has come to show me more <br />
for it was the most honest infinite love <br />
unconditional belief in sharing something pure <br />
<br />
unconditional trust <br />
creates an infinite love <br />
and the first time tells you what your feelings are for <br />
<br />
and if you can remember <br />
you'll always rise above <br />
any challenge to find you can know that love once more <br />
<br />
for it's in you <br />
to choose <br />
to believe in yourself <br />
and believe you are loved <br />
more than anything else <br />
<br />
this is in you <br />
to choose <br />
to believe you can be <br />
as pure in your heart <br />
as you were with me <br />
<br />
and now wherever you are in your lifetime <br />
I hope you still feel this true love inside <br />
for it was is most honest infinite love <br />
unconditional belief dies when it is denied <br />
<br />
unconditional trust <br />
creates an infinite love <br />
and the first time tells you what your feelings are for <br />
<br />
and if you can remember <br />
you'll always rise above <br />
any challenge to find you can know that love once more <br />
<br />
for it's in you <br />
to choose <br />
to believe in yourself <br />
and believe you are loved <br />
more than anything else <br />
<br />
this is in you <br />
to choose <br />
to believe you can be <br />
as pure in your heart <br />
as you were with me <br />
<br />
let's not pretend it's always easy <br />
being vulnerable can be dangerous <br />
in this world where people are so confused <br />
love can feel like getting hit by a bus <br />
but shutting down does not make it better <br />
denial only helps the pain <br />
embrace your heart and let your love go <br />
and it will come back to you again <br />
<br />
for love is not a person <br />
love is your own heart <br />
when you dare to share it <br />
you can feel it start <br />
every time's a first time <br />
when you give it all <br />
remember the feeling <br />
and let yourself fall <br />
<br />
and now wherever you are in your lifetime <br />
you can still feel this true love in you <br />
for it was is most honest infinite love <br />
unconditional belief that your love is true <br />
<br />
unconditional trust <br />
creates an infinite love <br />
and the first time tells you what your feelings are for <br />
<br />
and if you can remember <br />
you'll always rise above <br />
any challenge to find you can know that love once more <br />
<br />
for it's in you <br />
to choose <br />
to believe in yourself <br />
and believe you are loved <br />
more than anything else <br />
<br />
this is in you <br />
to choose <br />
to believe you can be <br />
as pure in your heart <br />
as you were with me <br />
<br />
you were everything I had ever dreamed of <br />
and no dream since has come to show me more <br />
for it was the most honest infinite love <br />
unconditional belief in sharing something pure <br />
<br />
unconditional trust <br />
creates an infinite love <br />
and the first time tells you what your feelings are for <br />
<br />
and if you can remember <br />
you'll always rise above <br />
any challenge to find you can know that love once more <br />
<br />
this is in me<br />
to choose<br />
to believe in myself<br />
and believe in the love<br />
more than anything else<br />
<br />
</center> </p>candoorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16247345559618328103noreply@blogger.com0