before I knew you
before we met I dreamed of living happily ever after
with you
Just waking in a dream of love for the first time in a very long time, years perhaps, maybe decades. Dreams are so seldom remembered for many years I thought I simply did not dream. I'd always wake up so happy to be alive and aware and rested, even when I was not rested. Waking up to consciousness was always the most exciting moment of the day, moments between sleep and awake when perfection seemed real and the beautiful peaceful euphoric world we could only imagine was as visceral as the stretching of the body. Before the reality of the current state of humanity lost in fears and doubts could touch me.
For the first time in many many years, I dreamed of you. We talked. We kissed. We were more tentative than the first time we embraced. Yet you did not pull away. It was almost all curiosity with a passion that waited for more conversation and more time together. Who were we now. Were were those eyes we would both be so lost in, so trusting, so in love. So many years have passed. Could we, would we give the time it would take to catch up? Not to go back as if we could return to those amazingly uninhibited moments of passion, lust, and wonder of first love, but to learned all about each other all over again. Two lifetimes, almost three more than we knew when we were first together all those years ago.
I wondered who you were the year after we parted, what did you learn, what path did you follow. Did you explore love with another among our small group or did you reach out beyond. Your beauty and sensuality surely attracted many others,but who was the lucky one - or the lucky ones - to know you as intimately as I did. Who knew the secrets of your heart. Who knew them over the years. Who knows them now.
One of the last bits of conversation I remember was suggesting we go away for a weekend and lay in bed, mostly, like John and Yoko, focused on nothing but each other. Giving an hour or few, however long it took, to sharing each year that has passed since we last talked. Perhaps a kiss for each year since we last kissed. Perhaps an embraced for each years since we last embraced. Just you and me and the memories and the sharing. Sharing caring.
I was still dreaming of you when I woke enough to hear the song outside my window. I slept with the window next to my bed open for the first time in more than a year, ore than a few years, perhaps longer. Could that have influenced my dreaming? Did you come in through the bedroom window? I found no silver spoon when I woke lol. Oh, but all kidding aside, it was a wonderful few moments of magical feeling in that space between sleep and waking, to still remember dreaming.
Here it is now, the memory of the dream - and you. May this inspire even a fraction of the smile I was felling as I woke. Yes, as I said, mostly curiosity and ever so tentative exploration of each other, the you and me we are now after all these years. Did you really want to or was it just a moment's curiosity. Did I... yes, I did. Remembering and writing this has restored my faith in the eternity of love once again (it needs some restoring now and then in this temporary existence among superficial minds and insecure bodies (and/or vice versa, if you know, if you still know what I mean).
I welcome you into my mind and world with open arms as I always have. You still live in my heart. The biggest room by far. The most powerful passion I've ever known. Whether we ever touch upon that again, it remains alive and well. Whether we ever take the few tentative steps, outside of this dream, to satisfy our curiosity about who we are now and where we've been in our lives, these words are smiling at the possibility. I still do want to know. Feel free to add to these words... or reach out in any way... as you wish.
As I close this writing, I am remembering all the letters we wrote and sent to each other.
Did you save any?
honest love,
memory
