A Matter of Trust

When I used to write to you, I did so with more unconditional trust than in any other state I knew. I found myself there because I knew I trusted myself and the love I felt for you more than anything I had ever known (and perhaps more than anything I will ever know). It was the purest most innocent most completely open honest desire I can imagine. It still exists, perhaps even lives, somewhere deep inside of me. Not a "return to some previous moment" or fantasy of what might have been, but a trust so completely certain, there is no greater comfort. It is something within me, something I experienced, and if that matters to you or anyone outside of me, great. It doesn't have to, because it is y feeling and independent of anything else.

Stepping outside of that complete peace, freedom, security, and certainty, the world is as it is, quite imperfect and rather cruel. For me, personally, the whole mess of lies and deception that we did not want to face is still one of the deepest sadnesses in this life experience for me and I do wonder what might have been, but more in a chuckling speculation than longing, if you know what I mean. I'd like you to understand and even share an understanding someday.

That is one reason this blog exists.

I wonder if those hundreds of pages of words I wrote to you still exist. I would love to read them today, to see myself at the peak of obsession with you, to remember just how devoted I can be. I wonder if I would laugh or cry or seek professional help lol.

When I look back, I wonder why we couldn't just accept our feelings and move on together, instead of putting the feelings of another ahead of ours. Was it not love for you, was it just a game or fantasy? Was it all my influence and you just along for the ride? Those are questions that only you can answer, but somewhere along the way the caring stopped at your end. I mean the active shared caring. Perhaps you cared inside and just buried it. Sad if you did, hope it didn't hurt to much. Hope it doesn't hurt now.

All this may be meaningless if the caring was never real and that could be too.

Still, I know I trusted so unconditionally that I violated my bottom line, honesty, just because you wanted me to. I trusted you to decide what we should do and what we should share. You were my god at the time, as close as I ever came to following someone on completely blind faith. You became the fantasy icon of what falling in love could mean and I wrote so many words, so many songs about falling in love with you as the imaginary inspiration, the star I was wishing upon.

You didn't deserve such a pedestal? :)

Well I thought you did :)

Somebody had to keep the dream of love alive in me. After all, I was not going to give in (never give up, never surrender) to the "grown-up" demand for compromise and conditions on my love. The child inside remained free of the inhibitions and rules this culture places on love. Unfortunately, bringing that out of my mind and into practical reality could get me arrested lol, soI keep it in fantasy, in words, and in my heart and mind.

I still search for the one who can inspire me to such a profoundly intense unconditional trust. I still live to love and be loved, in spite of the pain of loss and betrayal and abuse I've experienced at the hands of others. I still must try giving it all in a relationship, for when I stop trying, I see no point in continuing to stay alive. Staying alive can be a struggle sometimes, after all. Especially as the years pass.

All the dreams of true love and family have had their fleeting moments, a few years here and there, but nothing's lasted. A couple of people call me dad or look to me for support, but from an emotional distance. I still pay the phone bill for one of the kids I adopted, just to keep in touch. I am, on some levels and from some perspectives, a lonely old man. I'd be sad about it if I wasn't enjoying the life I live so much. :)

I've never been what this world might call normal, I suppose.

Anyway, there will always be a place in my heart for falling in love and for family - and for you.

I wonder how you've grown and what matters to you today.

I welcome you to share anytime.