distracted

which may be the perfect perspective (or place to come from) for a second writing as the books were always so often usually three or five sections and section two was, for posterity and anyone who remembers or wants to know, wide-open anything-goes babbling... and with craig ferguson on the tube adding giggles to the distractions, not to mention the fact that i should have gone to bed four or five hours ago and i am bleary-eyed blurry-headed (with a storm of loneliness brewing), this certainly will be nothing like what a sensible proper letter or writing of any kind ought to me, probably...

so it's not that i miss you so much cuz, after all, i don't know you and might not even like whoever you are now that you are all grown up and a free and independent person... it's that i am lonely and miss believing in someone else the way i once believed in you and i miss feeling like someone else believed in me as much as i believed you believed in me, or something like that... wide-eyed i sit wondering why no one ever moved me again to the hunger and wanting and passion and uninhibited love and lust that you inspired, even the few who actually loved me and trusted me and believed in me and were more devoted to me than you were (and she i do miss, alas) never had me falling nearly as much as i fell for you... i still don't completely understand love, but i do miss it a lot :)

and suddenly i remember how many words i wrote inspired by you, how many letters i sent to you, how many rhymes and long rambles i wrote... i wish i could read those to see who i was and what i was thinking and learn more about myself... i wonder if those writings pushed you away cuz i always wanted to stay your friend... but then, i can imagine asking how can you really fall in love with anyone else might not go over well after you did... i understand now, but then, i could not understand how anything could suddenly stop what i believed to be the perfect love - and that's probably the answer, i believed... just cuz i believed doesn't mean you did and just cuz i wanted doesn't mean you wanted... so i misread you... maybe you weren't making your own decisions and were just following my lead, but you did it so very well :)

i smile as i remember now, even as i wonder... even as craig ferguson and his robot sidekick discuss subjects that would never have made it to television at any hour when we were young... i miss the runner i was back then (especially at the moment as i am into the seventh or eighth week of the first really immobilizing injury i have ever incurred or experienced... i've had a foot in a boot since about april 22 cuz after playing softball 4-6 times a week for six or so years, i finally took a misstep and tore up the foot, rupturing the plantar fascia, shredding some upper foot ligaments, and cracking the bottom of the tibia... might have done a bit more damage, but the medical care down here sucks {first they misread the xrays and said no fracture and then they noticed what i saw and then, well, i've worked hospitals most of this life and know the human side of the professionals all too well, so i am not surprised} so i am healing myself) when i ran to your house as fast as i could almost every night (it was almost an exact mile which was fun to time)...

so tonight as i sit here so over-tired from lack of sleep due to working a job that is never done and having a bunch of other things to do and then as the hours pass midnight, a recent wave of loneliness rolls over me (and my reaction to loneliness was always to write and write and whatever happened to all those letters, ego asks... but not just ego, really) and so, here we are...

i hope all is well :)