Wednesday, April 25, 2018

First Dream

I dreamed of loving you
before I knew you
before we met I dreamed of living happily ever after
with you

Just waking in a dream of love for the first time in a very long time, years perhaps, maybe decades. Dreams are so seldom remembered for many years I thought I simply did not dream. I'd always wake up so happy to be alive and aware and rested, even when I was not rested. Waking up to consciousness was always the most exciting moment of the day, moments between sleep and awake when perfection seemed real and the beautiful peaceful euphoric world we could only imagine was as visceral as the stretching of the body. Before the reality of the current state of humanity lost in fears and doubts could touch me.

For the first time in many many years, I dreamed of you. We talked. We kissed. We were more tentative than the first time we embraced. Yet you did not pull away. It was almost all curiosity with a passion that waited for more conversation and more time together. Who were we now. Were were those eyes we would both be so lost in, so trusting, so in love. So many years have passed. Could we, would we give the time it would take to catch up? Not to go back as if we could return to those amazingly uninhibited moments of passion, lust, and wonder of first love, but to learned all about each other all over again. Two lifetimes, almost three more than we knew when we were first together all those years ago.

I wondered who you were the year after we parted, what did you learn, what path did you follow. Did you explore love with another among our small group or did you reach out beyond. Your beauty and sensuality surely attracted many others,but who was the lucky one - or the lucky ones - to know you as intimately as I did. Who knew the secrets of your heart. Who knew them over the years. Who knows them now.

One of the last bits of conversation I remember was suggesting we go away for a weekend and lay in bed, mostly, like John and Yoko, focused on nothing but each other. Giving an hour or few, however long it took, to sharing each year that has passed since we last talked. Perhaps a kiss for each year since we last kissed. Perhaps an embraced for each years since we last embraced. Just you and me and the memories and the sharing. Sharing caring.

I was still dreaming of you when I woke enough to hear the song outside my window. I slept with the window next to my bed open for the first time in more than a year, ore than a few years, perhaps longer. Could that have influenced my dreaming? Did you come in through the bedroom window? I found no silver spoon when I woke lol. Oh, but all kidding aside, it was a wonderful few moments of magical feeling in that space between sleep and waking, to still remember dreaming.

Here it is now, the memory of the dream - and you. May this inspire even a fraction of the smile I was felling as I woke. Yes, as I said, mostly curiosity and ever so tentative exploration of each other, the you and me we are now after all these years. Did you really want to or was it just a moment's curiosity. Did I... yes, I did. Remembering and writing this has restored my faith in the eternity of love once again (it needs some restoring now and then in this temporary existence among superficial minds and insecure bodies (and/or vice versa, if you know, if you still know what I mean).

I welcome you into my mind and world with open arms as I always have. You still live in my heart. The biggest room by far. The most powerful passion I've ever known. Whether we ever touch upon that again, it remains alive and well. Whether we ever take the few tentative steps, outside of this dream, to satisfy our curiosity about who we are now and where we've been in our lives, these words are smiling at the possibility. I still do want to know. Feel free to add to these words... or reach out in any way... as you wish.

As I close this writing, I am remembering all the letters we wrote and sent to each other.

Did you save any?

honest love,
memory

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Still... I Am Alone

my heart is broken
in so many places
in so many pieces
by so many people
I chose to trust
I don't mean lust
just simple trust
trust is a must

I don't know how much more I've got left
I keep hoping
I keep trusting
I keep loving.

Still... I am alone.

I don't think I understand people anymore
Maybe I was wrong and never really did
I thought there was a time I could understand
Maybe I was just a foolish kid, I'm still a kid
The grown ups play games I don't want to be part of
They seem so careless with everything they touch
They don't seem to respect honesty or trust or love
I want more than anything, so do I want too much?

my spirit still flies
but slowly, weakly
aimlessly waiting
hopelessly wanting
still hopelessly hopeful
someone feels the way I do
in all innocence
a heart still true

how are you?

I don't know how much longer I've got
I keep hoping
I keep trusting
I keep giving
I keep loving

Still... I am alone.
still... I am alone.

I keep hoping
I keep trusting
I keep giving
I keep loving

Still... I am alone.
still... I am alone.

Once upon a time I thought you understood, but maybe it was just a dream we shared that we were not ready to bring into reality. I wonder how happy I'd have been if I settled into your kind of life... stable... family... the whole career and home ownership routine. That never interested me alone. I tried it - bought the house - built a career - fell in love... but none of it lasted. I built the career but did not fall in love with the best friend I lived with for 8 years... no matter how hard she tried (and she tried so hard), the spark was never there and the fire never started. I may have still be pining for you at the time. I moved to the warm climate I longed for and bought a house and tried again, but that didn't work out either. I gave up the house and put everything I owned, some treasures and lots of other stuff, in storage and moved to another country just to fall in love again, but that was a failure. Penniless and on the street, I started over. I have not fallen in love since. I have not had a lover since. I have not had a real home since. It was twenty years ago this year.

I lived with my best friend for most of this decade. It was a happy time, though no romance left me lonely. She finally fell in love and left and now I am alone again. Not so naturally. Living in a room in some guy's house, sharing a bathroom, saving money, working and playing softball and eating out too much and wondering what comes next.

I think I creating this writing space to write letters to you because you were the person I trusted my heart with more than anyone in this life. Or maybe because you hurt me best, that is, with the most innocence and least intent. I now the break from you never fully healed... I didn't want it to because I did not want to become like everybody else. I actualize eternal love, forever love, unconditional love and realize it is one stream the innocents know. Like fish swim in a river, unconditional love is an energy stream that children float, swim, splash, and play in until they get out of the water and give up on the dreams the stream offers.

I feel very alone in the stream now. Ageism keeps me isolated. All the grown ups are on the shore, most far from the shore, and innocent children are not experienced or free enough to understand my experiences in this life. I do not wish to be a pied piper or guru or leader of any sort. I do not wish to be a solitary story teller or teacher or parent anymore. I do not want to be alone.

Leaving the water would be like dying.

Staying in the water is hoping another with similar experiences will come along and either get back in the water or will have been living here all along, somewhere in the stream. I am here.

So where has your heart been... and how are you now? :)

Thursday, August 10, 2017

The Way It Is (and so it goes)

I simply want to love someone even more than the way I loved you. I keep distraction all around me to try not to feel how much it hurts to have blown the attraction by letting fear make decisions instead of love. I wonder if you loved your best friend more than you loved me or whether you just gave into peer pressure and it destroyed your trust the way it destroyed mine. I wanted forever with you and would have done anything to get it, yet... would I have been happy living the life you've lived? We may never know.

I just want to love someone unconditionally and trust someone unconditionally again... Someone I would follow anywhere... I will do anything for that love and trust, as I did with you.

Would I live a lie again or would I remember how living a lie turned out?

Will anyone love and trust me as unconditionally as I can?

The test of trust is amazing.

Narf.

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

the way i choose to be

you have become imaginary, but that never stopped me before, after all... life is but a dream in so many ways so i keep in touch as well as i can whether i am asleep or awake, whether it is real or imaginary (or interchangeable)... it is just the way i choose to see they world... it is just the way i choose the experience this life... it is just the way that's right for me, the way i choose to be... and you don't have to explore anymore... and you don't have to want to keep in touch enough to keep in touch... and you don't have to care about me anymore, even if you do or think you think you do too much... you don't have to show it for me to know it (or pretend to be a classic epic corresponding poet)... you don't have to do anything to live in my mind... that's just the way i choose to be, call it cruel or kind... it's just the way i choose to not leave love behind... it's just the way i choose, win or lose, i am resigned... to live and be just the way i choose to be in my mind...

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

so where have i been?

i never skipped a year, mostly, even if it seems like i did, i wished you well every year on your birthday (happy birthday to you) and a few other days each year when your memory inspired a smile... the memory of being in love always inspires a smile J and i like to smile so i try to remember being in love regularly (i live in love, so i smile a lot, though i've only shared being in love with someone a couple of times in this life and alas, it did not last for the forever i had hoped it would, but the memories of being in love still inspire a smile)...

this could be a long list of place i've lived, things i've done, people i've been with, and so on and so forth (what?) but lists can be so boring and are you really interested in the details?... if you are (and you find this blog and read these words) you will let me know what you want to know and i will share whatever you want to know, lists and all... but a simple answer to where i've been can be found here as much of me has been writing for the past four decades... i started as a little kid but really got serious when went in the army and wanted to keep in touch (and yes there were way more than 16 books and blogs of letters to you, though most were written before 1980)... i wonder if you still have any of those letters i sent to you (anything worth reading?)... ego always wondered if you'd have them when i became a famous song writer... but ego dreams big, as you may recall :)

off the written page, or off the web, i've spent about half this life working ridiculously long hours helping others and the other half in early retirement and i enjoyed almost every minute of both (but definitely got more rest and did many more diverse things during the retirement time)... i enjoyed drugs and travelling after the army and worked long hours at bdc (now bdso, i believe) through the 80s... i lived on ave j and e42nd st with my best friend of the time... she fell in love with me and the feeling wasn't mutual, which made moving to florida in 1990 right in many ways (my love of hot climates and letting her move on, though that took a few years because we had bought a house together in florida)... i didn't work through the 90s, moved to toronto for love in 95 and back to florida in 97 when it didn't work out... back to work in 2001... these days i run a health care facility in orlando florida and through about 90 other people and we take care of profoundly disabled people who can't take care of themselves... i live with a wonderful person who calls me her bff (she's a child of the 90s), though i've chosen to stay away from falling in love for more than two decades mostly because the right person has not come along... i have a couple of people who look to me as a father, one calls me dad, but i've created no children...

there are a whole lot more details, lots of years to catch up on if we are ever to catch up... i'd love to hear where you've been and how you are today... and so i write... i hope you are well, and happy, and know peace... and if you find these words, may they inspire a smile :)

friend

this is how it used to be
when you were in love with me
the words fell into rhyme
the music fell in time
and life was a euphoric ecstasy

now i know what i must do
cuz i know i still love you
even after all this time
you still bring the sublime
it might not make sense but it's true
i learn to be in love with you

some may think this is sad
some may say i've lost my mind
is it crazy to be happy
i did not leave you behind

when i promised i will love you
i meant till the end of all time
maybe most people just say it
i think that is the sad crime

but you don't have to agree with me
you can be anyone you want to be
and if you didn't mean it that's ok
i still love you anyway

this is how it's meant to be
love is for eternity
love can never end
love cannot pretend
love is a euphoric ecstasy

this is the best i can do
i always believed you knew
this is what the heart dreams of
time does not change true love
it doesn't have to make sense to be true
i can and will always love you

i don't mean to scare you
or interfere in your life
it's ok if you don't want me
and you're someone else's wife

we don't have to be together
we may never meet again
but as sure as there is love
i will always be your friend

this is how it's meant to be
love is not a fantasy
love can never end
and i am still your friend
for all eternity

this is how it's meant to be
love is my reality
love cannot pretend
love can never end
time does not change what is true
i will always be here for you
if you ever need anything
i will always be here for you

happy birthday
amy lou
I will always be here for you

Monday, December 16, 2013

so i remember

so i remember, what does that mean?... whatever you want, whatever we've seen, whatever we are, whatever we've been... remember the love, that is what we mean... and so there i was watching some episodes of ncis because the characters are an imaginary family for me (ironic, since the macho military mindset is so alien and insane to me, but that's another story... and {thank you harry} another time) and i start nodding off and turn off the lights and head to be (but not before pulling off a piece of chocolate chip brownie that jackson made today) and as i turn out the light i feel a rhyme (linked above) and turned the computer back on and wrote and after uploading it i realized the date... irony, coincidence, fate, memory, whatever... just felt like sending this message to a dear old friend of mine (yeah you)... happy birthday amy :) may your light still shine :)