Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Still... I Am Alone

my heart is broken
in so many places
in so many pieces
by so many people
I chose to trust
I don't mean lust
just simple trust
trust is a must

I don't know how much more I've got left
I keep hoping
I keep trusting
I keep loving.

Still... I am alone.

I don't think I understand people anymore
Maybe I was wrong and never really did
I thought there was a time I could understand
Maybe I was just a foolish kid, I'm still a kid
The grown ups play games I don't want to be part of
They seem so careless with everything they touch
They don't seem to respect honesty or trust or love
I want more than anything, so do I want too much?

my spirit still flies
but slowly, weakly
aimlessly waiting
hopelessly wanting
still hopelessly hopeful
someone feels the way I do
in all innocence
a heart still true

how are you?

I don't know how much longer I've got
I keep hoping
I keep trusting
I keep giving
I keep loving

Still... I am alone.
still... I am alone.

I keep hoping
I keep trusting
I keep giving
I keep loving

Still... I am alone.
still... I am alone.

Once upon a time I thought you understood, but maybe it was just a dream we shared that we were not ready to bring into reality. I wonder how happy I'd have been if I settled into your kind of life... stable... family... the whole career and home ownership routine. That never interested me alone. I tried it - bought the house - built a career - fell in love... but none of it lasted. I built the career but did not fall in love with the best friend I lived with for 8 years... no matter how hard she tried (and she tried so hard), the spark was never there and the fire never started. I may have still be pining for you at the time. I moved to the warm climate I longed for and bought a house and tried again, but that didn't work out either. I gave up the house and put everything I owned, some treasures and lots of other stuff, in storage and moved to another country just to fall in love again, but that was a failure. Penniless and on the street, I started over. I have not fallen in love since. I have not had a lover since. I have not had a real home since. It was twenty years ago this year.

I lived with my best friend for most of this decade. It was a happy time, though no romance left me lonely. She finally fell in love and left and now I am alone again. Not so naturally. Living in a room in some guy's house, sharing a bathroom, saving money, working and playing softball and eating out too much and wondering what comes next.

I think I creating this writing space to write letters to you because you were the person I trusted my heart with more than anyone in this life. Or maybe because you hurt me best, that is, with the most innocence and least intent. I now the break from you never fully healed... I didn't want it to because I did not want to become like everybody else. I actualize eternal love, forever love, unconditional love and realize it is one stream the innocents know. Like fish swim in a river, unconditional love is an energy stream that children float, swim, splash, and play in until they get out of the water and give up on the dreams the stream offers.

I feel very alone in the stream now. Ageism keeps me isolated. All the grown ups are on the shore, most far from the shore, and innocent children are not experienced or free enough to understand my experiences in this life. I do not wish to be a pied piper or guru or leader of any sort. I do not wish to be a solitary story teller or teacher or parent anymore. I do not want to be alone.

Leaving the water would be like dying.

Staying in the water is hoping another with similar experiences will come along and either get back in the water or will have been living here all along, somewhere in the stream. I am here.

So where has your heart been... and how are you now? :)

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