and when no message came

i knew it must have been from you

yeah, we can keep our sense of humor and maintain our sense of perspective and still dream of the love that never ends with the one (the right one) who would die for us but more important will live for us and nothing can drive them from their commitment to us and the all important ultimate perfection that there is no compromise, there is only unconditional love and unconditional trust and the human magic that actualizing such unconditionalness brings (that magic moment that lasts until the end of time, beyond even)...

and while the average (normal) human may not use their mind as i do to create written gardens (volumes of writings for this and that purpose with this and that inspiration, but then, i suppose that is what writers do so some humans do this) based on the experiences of a lifetime, this is my way and you are one of the first inspirations for the writings, one of the roots of the written gardens... left with the disconnection and the unknowns, this garden is left to fantasies... it could be (reality is that fantasy is infinite possibilities, after all) and one possibility is that you found your soulmate magical love partner and might appreciate the reality of the fantasy i still hope to find in this life...

hopefully it does not bring you and discomfort to know you inspire expressions of those fantasies (such as the previous entry) and therein appreciate the expression (whoever good or bad it might be, creatively) of that love and devotion and magicalness...

so it's been a while since i actually wrote to you (the while being the time prior to the first entry in this new place for letters to you) and it may be the fifth or sixth series... the previous volume was on line, but that website was deleted before i could save it and i hope to still have a copy buried in some boxes or on an old laptop that might still be accessed somehow... the two volumes before that would be on two different computers stored for the last seventeen years in new york (at $140 a month that's almost thirty thousand dollars to keep stuff i haven't even seen or touched in over twelve years, which seems ridiculous and probably is, but then, it's just the way i am... and the volumes before those would be on paper in that same storage place... the first volume would be wherever you put them cuz they were letters to you that actually were sent to you... i wonder if you remember... ego wonders if you thought anything i wrote back then was any good...

obviously not good enough to sweep you off your feet, aye? lol lam :)

ah, but i've always hoped that the hours i spent with hand cramped scratching out all the love (and probably many complaints) i wanted to share with you (did i never actually tell you?... would it have made a difference if i did?... i was so trying to make everyone happy... alas, should have remembered the garden party song, but then, again, the would it have made any difference question returns, moot as it may be) actually meant something (worth publishing?... i've always wondered) more than just venting and dreaming and getting me through the loneliness and challenges of the army life...

so anyway, this is what brings me here today... i found this blog i started and found the rhymes and reasons wanting some explanation... maybe someday we will catch up, if you like... i'd like that... hope all is well in your life today, and in you :)