and when no message came

i knew it must have been from you

yeah, we can keep our sense of humor and maintain our sense of perspective and still dream of the love that never ends with the one (the right one) who would die for us but more important will live for us and nothing can drive them from their commitment to us and the all important ultimate perfection that there is no compromise, there is only unconditional love and unconditional trust and the human magic that actualizing such unconditionalness brings (that magic moment that lasts until the end of time, beyond even)...

and while the average (normal) human may not use their mind as i do to create written gardens (volumes of writings for this and that purpose with this and that inspiration, but then, i suppose that is what writers do so some humans do this) based on the experiences of a lifetime, this is my way and you are one of the first inspirations for the writings, one of the roots of the written gardens... left with the disconnection and the unknowns, this garden is left to fantasies... it could be (reality is that fantasy is infinite possibilities, after all) and one possibility is that you found your soulmate magical love partner and might appreciate the reality of the fantasy i still hope to find in this life...

hopefully it does not bring you and discomfort to know you inspire expressions of those fantasies (such as the previous entry) and therein appreciate the expression (whoever good or bad it might be, creatively) of that love and devotion and magicalness...

so it's been a while since i actually wrote to you (the while being the time prior to the first entry in this new place for letters to you) and it may be the fifth or sixth series... the previous volume was on line, but that website was deleted before i could save it and i hope to still have a copy buried in some boxes or on an old laptop that might still be accessed somehow... the two volumes before that would be on two different computers stored for the last seventeen years in new york (at $140 a month that's almost thirty thousand dollars to keep stuff i haven't even seen or touched in over twelve years, which seems ridiculous and probably is, but then, it's just the way i am... and the volumes before those would be on paper in that same storage place... the first volume would be wherever you put them cuz they were letters to you that actually were sent to you... i wonder if you remember... ego wonders if you thought anything i wrote back then was any good...

obviously not good enough to sweep you off your feet, aye? lol lam :)

ah, but i've always hoped that the hours i spent with hand cramped scratching out all the love (and probably many complaints) i wanted to share with you (did i never actually tell you?... would it have made a difference if i did?... i was so trying to make everyone happy... alas, should have remembered the garden party song, but then, again, the would it have made any difference question returns, moot as it may be) actually meant something (worth publishing?... i've always wondered) more than just venting and dreaming and getting me through the loneliness and challenges of the army life...

so anyway, this is what brings me here today... i found this blog i started and found the rhymes and reasons wanting some explanation... maybe someday we will catch up, if you like... i'd like that... hope all is well in your life today, and in you :)

once upon a time

it felt like a fairy tale
a romance that could never fail
you treated me like a hero
you were my princess
your wish my command

until that day you simply said stop
my whole world felt like a belly flop
how could love just come to an end
so suddenly we were to be just friends
can anyone really return
from wonderland?

now i realize what i miss the most
was the unconditional trust i felt
believing you loved me with all your heart
and i could tell you every little secret in mine
what i miss most is not the romance that came to an end
what i miss the most... is my best friend

and maybe i was just fooling myself
and maybe it was the same for you
maybe we never came down from the story book shelf
maybe we were a dream that was not meant to come true

yeah maybe i was just fooling myself
and maybe your heart was just fooling me too
maybe once upon a time became more in memories
than it was back in two thousand and two

so now i can take liberties with the story
i can embellish memories for the sake of song
we can aint the target around where the arrow lands
and nobody's at fault, and nobody is wrong

that is the way it is in fairy tales
an honest love that never fails
so i can still be your hero
you are still my princess
your wish is still my command

and we can believe in love that never ends
and we can believe we will always be friends
and so the story goes, for anyone who knows
the answer the wind blows, the truth always shows
no one can really return
from wonderland

and once upon a time
is always right at hand

this afternoon

i was in the mood to write to you because i still really want to keep my promise to keep in touch with you, to always be there for you if you ever need anything, to always be your friend, so i created this blog and then distraction came along and i found the thread that lead me here was no longer connected and so, a half a day passed before i found myself deciding if i should close this browser tab and when i thought about it, i decided not to close the tab too keep the promise and so here i am, starting this first blog entry and now i wonder is this as intended, a letter to you, or is this just an explanation that i am waiting for the thread that lead me to want to write to you to reconnect again... once there way a way, after all...

yeah, time will tell...