and when no message came

i knew it must have been from you

yeah, we can keep our sense of humor and maintain our sense of perspective and still dream of the love that never ends with the one (the right one) who would die for us but more important will live for us and nothing can drive them from their commitment to us and the all important ultimate perfection that there is no compromise, there is only unconditional love and unconditional trust and the human magic that actualizing such unconditionalness brings (that magic moment that lasts until the end of time, beyond even)...

and while the average (normal) human may not use their mind as i do to create written gardens (volumes of writings for this and that purpose with this and that inspiration, but then, i suppose that is what writers do so some humans do this) based on the experiences of a lifetime, this is my way and you are one of the first inspirations for the writings, one of the roots of the written gardens... left with the disconnection and the unknowns, this garden is left to fantasies... it could be (reality is that fantasy is infinite possibilities, after all) and one possibility is that you found your soulmate magical love partner and might appreciate the reality of the fantasy i still hope to find in this life...

hopefully it does not bring you and discomfort to know you inspire expressions of those fantasies (such as the previous entry) and therein appreciate the expression (whoever good or bad it might be, creatively) of that love and devotion and magicalness...

so it's been a while since i actually wrote to you (the while being the time prior to the first entry in this new place for letters to you) and it may be the fifth or sixth series... the previous volume was on line, but that website was deleted before i could save it and i hope to still have a copy buried in some boxes or on an old laptop that might still be accessed somehow... the two volumes before that would be on two different computers stored for the last seventeen years in new york (at $140 a month that's almost thirty thousand dollars to keep stuff i haven't even seen or touched in over twelve years, which seems ridiculous and probably is, but then, it's just the way i am... and the volumes before those would be on paper in that same storage place... the first volume would be wherever you put them cuz they were letters to you that actually were sent to you... i wonder if you remember... ego wonders if you thought anything i wrote back then was any good...

obviously not good enough to sweep you off your feet, aye? lol lam :)

ah, but i've always hoped that the hours i spent with hand cramped scratching out all the love (and probably many complaints) i wanted to share with you (did i never actually tell you?... would it have made a difference if i did?... i was so trying to make everyone happy... alas, should have remembered the garden party song, but then, again, the would it have made any difference question returns, moot as it may be) actually meant something (worth publishing?... i've always wondered) more than just venting and dreaming and getting me through the loneliness and challenges of the army life...

so anyway, this is what brings me here today... i found this blog i started and found the rhymes and reasons wanting some explanation... maybe someday we will catch up, if you like... i'd like that... hope all is well in your life today, and in you :)

once upon a time

it felt like a fairy tale
a romance that could never fail
you treated me like a hero
you were my princess
your wish my command

until that day you simply said stop
my whole world felt like a belly flop
how could love just come to an end
so suddenly we were to be just friends
can anyone really return
from wonderland?

now i realize what i miss the most
was the unconditional trust i felt
believing you loved me with all your heart
and i could tell you every little secret in mine
what i miss most is not the romance that came to an end
what i miss the most... is my best friend

and maybe i was just fooling myself
and maybe it was the same for you
maybe we never came down from the story book shelf
maybe we were a dream that was not meant to come true

yeah maybe i was just fooling myself
and maybe your heart was just fooling me too
maybe once upon a time became more in memories
than it was back in two thousand and two

so now i can take liberties with the story
i can embellish memories for the sake of song
we can aint the target around where the arrow lands
and nobody's at fault, and nobody is wrong

that is the way it is in fairy tales
an honest love that never fails
so i can still be your hero
you are still my princess
your wish is still my command

and we can believe in love that never ends
and we can believe we will always be friends
and so the story goes, for anyone who knows
the answer the wind blows, the truth always shows
no one can really return
from wonderland

and once upon a time
is always right at hand

distracted

which may be the perfect perspective (or place to come from) for a second writing as the books were always so often usually three or five sections and section two was, for posterity and anyone who remembers or wants to know, wide-open anything-goes babbling... and with craig ferguson on the tube adding giggles to the distractions, not to mention the fact that i should have gone to bed four or five hours ago and i am bleary-eyed blurry-headed (with a storm of loneliness brewing), this certainly will be nothing like what a sensible proper letter or writing of any kind ought to me, probably...

so it's not that i miss you so much cuz, after all, i don't know you and might not even like whoever you are now that you are all grown up and a free and independent person... it's that i am lonely and miss believing in someone else the way i once believed in you and i miss feeling like someone else believed in me as much as i believed you believed in me, or something like that... wide-eyed i sit wondering why no one ever moved me again to the hunger and wanting and passion and uninhibited love and lust that you inspired, even the few who actually loved me and trusted me and believed in me and were more devoted to me than you were (and she i do miss, alas) never had me falling nearly as much as i fell for you... i still don't completely understand love, but i do miss it a lot :)

and suddenly i remember how many words i wrote inspired by you, how many letters i sent to you, how many rhymes and long rambles i wrote... i wish i could read those to see who i was and what i was thinking and learn more about myself... i wonder if those writings pushed you away cuz i always wanted to stay your friend... but then, i can imagine asking how can you really fall in love with anyone else might not go over well after you did... i understand now, but then, i could not understand how anything could suddenly stop what i believed to be the perfect love - and that's probably the answer, i believed... just cuz i believed doesn't mean you did and just cuz i wanted doesn't mean you wanted... so i misread you... maybe you weren't making your own decisions and were just following my lead, but you did it so very well :)

i smile as i remember now, even as i wonder... even as craig ferguson and his robot sidekick discuss subjects that would never have made it to television at any hour when we were young... i miss the runner i was back then (especially at the moment as i am into the seventh or eighth week of the first really immobilizing injury i have ever incurred or experienced... i've had a foot in a boot since about april 22 cuz after playing softball 4-6 times a week for six or so years, i finally took a misstep and tore up the foot, rupturing the plantar fascia, shredding some upper foot ligaments, and cracking the bottom of the tibia... might have done a bit more damage, but the medical care down here sucks {first they misread the xrays and said no fracture and then they noticed what i saw and then, well, i've worked hospitals most of this life and know the human side of the professionals all too well, so i am not surprised} so i am healing myself) when i ran to your house as fast as i could almost every night (it was almost an exact mile which was fun to time)...

so tonight as i sit here so over-tired from lack of sleep due to working a job that is never done and having a bunch of other things to do and then as the hours pass midnight, a recent wave of loneliness rolls over me (and my reaction to loneliness was always to write and write and whatever happened to all those letters, ego asks... but not just ego, really) and so, here we are...

i hope all is well :)

this afternoon

i was in the mood to write to you because i still really want to keep my promise to keep in touch with you, to always be there for you if you ever need anything, to always be your friend, so i created this blog and then distraction came along and i found the thread that lead me here was no longer connected and so, a half a day passed before i found myself deciding if i should close this browser tab and when i thought about it, i decided not to close the tab too keep the promise and so here i am, starting this first blog entry and now i wonder is this as intended, a letter to you, or is this just an explanation that i am waiting for the thread that lead me to want to write to you to reconnect again... once there way a way, after all...

yeah, time will tell...

Amy

you were everything I had ever dreamed of
and no dream since has come to show me more
for it was the most honest infinite love
unconditional belief in sharing something pure

unconditional trust
creates an infinite love
and the first time tells you what your feelings are for

and if you can remember
you'll always rise above
any challenge to find you can know that love once more

for it's in you
to choose
to believe in yourself
and believe you are loved
more than anything else

this is in you
to choose
to believe you can be
as pure in your heart
as you were with me

and now wherever you are in your lifetime
I hope you still feel this true love inside
for it was is most honest infinite love
unconditional belief dies when it is denied

unconditional trust
creates an infinite love
and the first time tells you what your feelings are for

and if you can remember
you'll always rise above
any challenge to find you can know that love once more

for it's in you
to choose
to believe in yourself
and believe you are loved
more than anything else

this is in you
to choose
to believe you can be
as pure in your heart
as you were with me

let's not pretend it's always easy
being vulnerable can be dangerous
in this world where people are so confused
love can feel like getting hit by a bus
but shutting down does not make it better
denial only helps the pain
embrace your heart and let your love go
and it will come back to you again

for love is not a person
love is your own heart
when you dare to share it
you can feel it start
every time's a first time
when you give it all
remember the feeling
and let yourself fall

and now wherever you are in your lifetime
you can still feel this true love in you
for it was is most honest infinite love
unconditional belief that your love is true

unconditional trust
creates an infinite love
and the first time tells you what your feelings are for

and if you can remember
you'll always rise above
any challenge to find you can know that love once more

for it's in you
to choose
to believe in yourself
and believe you are loved
more than anything else

this is in you
to choose
to believe you can be
as pure in your heart
as you were with me

you were everything I had ever dreamed of
and no dream since has come to show me more
for it was the most honest infinite love
unconditional belief in sharing something pure

unconditional trust
creates an infinite love
and the first time tells you what your feelings are for

and if you can remember
you'll always rise above
any challenge to find you can know that love once more

this is in me
to choose
to believe in myself
and believe in the love
more than anything else