so i remember

so i remember, what does that mean?... whatever you want, whatever we've seen, whatever we are, whatever we've been... remember the love, that is what we mean... and so there i was watching some episodes of ncis because the characters are an imaginary family for me (ironic, since the macho military mindset is so alien and insane to me, but that's another story... and {thank you harry} another time) and i start nodding off and turn off the lights and head to be (but not before pulling off a piece of chocolate chip brownie that jackson made today) and as i turn out the light i feel a rhyme (linked above) and turned the computer back on and wrote and after uploading it i realized the date... irony, coincidence, fate, memory, whatever... just felt like sending this message to a dear old friend of mine (yeah you)... happy birthday amy :) may your light still shine :)

a life in words

you are missing
the life i live in words
you are missing
and it's quite absurd
that you are missing
the sharing that can be
why are you missing
the caring you and me?

you are missing
the sensitivity
you are missing
the simple honesty
you are missing
the person you could be
why are you missing
the love...

it is an unfinished song
with some discord in the middle
that breaks up the nice meter
and disregards the rhyme

but there may be some hope
for a reason that will make it
worth the effort and the empty
waste of all the waiting time

waiting for the magic moment
waiting for the sublime
waiting for the answer
was it really such a crime?

you are missing
the love of a friend
who will not give it up
who will not let it end

you are missing
and nothing will replace
the smile of love and trust
that i see on your face
when i close my eyes
and remember
the 16th of december

there is still a bridge
we can walk across
to remember the magic
we thought was lost
it is innocent trust
unconditional love
the simple fairy tale
every heart dreams of

i create
a life in words
to remember
and to be


while you are missing
the feeling of sublime
of old friends, bookends,
committing the crime
of sharing moments of stillness
no productivity
and the only reason is the
the only reason there can be

the life we live in words
creating simple innocent honesty

what now?

happy birthday amy :)

i hope to see your smile more time before our bodies leave this life because it was your smile that inspired me to believe in love and humanity and this world more than anything else back in our childhood years... i was never able to thank you so i hope i get that chance one day... still celebrating life and thankful you were born... happy birthday amy :)

disappointed

that we did not keep in touch... but there is always hope and i've come to share some hope because some words flowed tonight i feel are worth sharing, the i'd like the whole world to read in a long time by my standards, and for the moment they are pouring into the (e)thereal blog... perhaps i will organize them for elsewhere another time... they are being uploaded this morning and may continue all weekend, perhaps as some sort of birthday present in some odd way... some will be uploaded automatically over the next eight hours or so... some may be uploade at a later date... so if you read this before the end of the year, go back and read again, cuz you should... they are not the greatest words and not a lot, but maybe just a few thoughts that could save the world from human self-destruction if enough people cared to take them to heart... or maybe that's all in my head, too much ego and not enough common sense... still, remembering me is a good thing, even if nobody notices... it's been a good december so far, perhaps far better than decembers have been in many years... i am almost excited to see what comes of the rest... wish you were too... hug...

and when no message came

i knew it must have been from you

yeah, we can keep our sense of humor and maintain our sense of perspective and still dream of the love that never ends with the one (the right one) who would die for us but more important will live for us and nothing can drive them from their commitment to us and the all important ultimate perfection that there is no compromise, there is only unconditional love and unconditional trust and the human magic that actualizing such unconditionalness brings (that magic moment that lasts until the end of time, beyond even)...

and while the average (normal) human may not use their mind as i do to create written gardens (volumes of writings for this and that purpose with this and that inspiration, but then, i suppose that is what writers do so some humans do this) based on the experiences of a lifetime, this is my way and you are one of the first inspirations for the writings, one of the roots of the written gardens... left with the disconnection and the unknowns, this garden is left to fantasies... it could be (reality is that fantasy is infinite possibilities, after all) and one possibility is that you found your soulmate magical love partner and might appreciate the reality of the fantasy i still hope to find in this life...

hopefully it does not bring you and discomfort to know you inspire expressions of those fantasies (such as the previous entry) and therein appreciate the expression (whoever good or bad it might be, creatively) of that love and devotion and magicalness...

so it's been a while since i actually wrote to you (the while being the time prior to the first entry in this new place for letters to you) and it may be the fifth or sixth series... the previous volume was on line, but that website was deleted before i could save it and i hope to still have a copy buried in some boxes or on an old laptop that might still be accessed somehow... the two volumes before that would be on two different computers stored for the last seventeen years in new york (at $140 a month that's almost thirty thousand dollars to keep stuff i haven't even seen or touched in over twelve years, which seems ridiculous and probably is, but then, it's just the way i am... and the volumes before those would be on paper in that same storage place... the first volume would be wherever you put them cuz they were letters to you that actually were sent to you... i wonder if you remember... ego wonders if you thought anything i wrote back then was any good...

obviously not good enough to sweep you off your feet, aye? lol lam :)

ah, but i've always hoped that the hours i spent with hand cramped scratching out all the love (and probably many complaints) i wanted to share with you (did i never actually tell you?... would it have made a difference if i did?... i was so trying to make everyone happy... alas, should have remembered the garden party song, but then, again, the would it have made any difference question returns, moot as it may be) actually meant something (worth publishing?... i've always wondered) more than just venting and dreaming and getting me through the loneliness and challenges of the army life...

so anyway, this is what brings me here today... i found this blog i started and found the rhymes and reasons wanting some explanation... maybe someday we will catch up, if you like... i'd like that... hope all is well in your life today, and in you :)

once upon a time

it felt like a fairy tale
a romance that could never fail
you treated me like a hero
you were my princess
your wish my command

until that day you simply said stop
my whole world felt like a belly flop
how could love just come to an end
so suddenly we were to be just friends
can anyone really return
from wonderland?

now i realize what i miss the most
was the unconditional trust i felt
believing you loved me with all your heart
and i could tell you every little secret in mine
what i miss most is not the romance that came to an end
what i miss the most... is my best friend

and maybe i was just fooling myself
and maybe it was the same for you
maybe we never came down from the story book shelf
maybe we were a dream that was not meant to come true

yeah maybe i was just fooling myself
and maybe your heart was just fooling me too
maybe once upon a time became more in memories
than it was back in two thousand and two

so now i can take liberties with the story
i can embellish memories for the sake of song
we can aint the target around where the arrow lands
and nobody's at fault, and nobody is wrong

that is the way it is in fairy tales
an honest love that never fails
so i can still be your hero
you are still my princess
your wish is still my command

and we can believe in love that never ends
and we can believe we will always be friends
and so the story goes, for anyone who knows
the answer the wind blows, the truth always shows
no one can really return
from wonderland

and once upon a time
is always right at hand